Monday, January 12, 2015

Texts From Mom, Part VIII

Mom: I'm listening to pitbul on pandora. Thank you so much.
Me: Hahahhah you like Pitbull?
Mom: Yea. He's very original.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Texts From Mom, Part VII

I was group texting my family about how much my grandpa wanted to tip a waiter:

Mom: So little
Brother: That's what she said
Me: Ewwwwww
Brother: Lol
Mom: Who is she?

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Double Boiler

I was making tea so I put the electric kettle on, filled with water to the max level. My mom told me to put less water in because she doesn't like to waste water, since it's really bad for your health to re-boil water. She said that she read this somewhere, and if I wanted proof I should just google it. She then went to Yahoo, and searched "is it ok to double boil the water." The first link read "Why does boiling water twice make water poisonous?" She was very triumphant...until we actually read the article. "well, if you read it it must be true. I read somewhere that people who believe everything they read have a serious mental deficit."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Liberal Piece of Shit

My uncle is extremely vocal about being extremely conservative. We were having dinner with the family, and he starts talking about how the US should atom bomb the Middle East, getting rid of every singe Muslim person. Of course, I could not just let this go. I engaged in conversation with him for a while, with his responses being generally to the tune of, "a good Muslim is a dead Muslim." He also mentioned how liberals are all assholes and are ruining the country, and for some reason called George Clooney a "liberal piece of shit." Excellent.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Emeralds Are A Girl's Best Friend

(I'm going to pretend that a year hasn't passed since I last posted)

Thanksgiving. Always a fun time in my family. I put on one of my mom's rings that has a green faux stone. The following ensues:

Mom: The green looks beautiful on you! We will have to get you emeralds when you get married!
Me: Why do I only deserve emeralds if I get married? If you think they would look so good on me I can't get them now?
Mom (backtracking): Well you don't like wearing jewelry...
Me: Yea I do...
Mom (feeling bad): Well I gave you a ring a while ago...

Moral of the story. Girls only deserve nice jewelry if they're married. Unmarried old maids, nada.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Screwing

Over the Fourth of July weekend my parents invited my boyfriend's parents to their house for dinner. The parents had met before but had never spent too much time together; his parents are a bit more conservative and traditional than mine. He says that they are repressed. Anyway, my mom was telling them that when I was younger I was more of a tomboy, always wanting to be in the garage with my dad and brother instead of in the kitchen with her. Mom: "She is very good at screwing! Very good with her hands!" And we all just start cracking up and his parents just don't know what to do and sat awkwardly as me, my boyfriend, brother, his brother, sisterinlaw, and eventually mom and dad are dying laughing.

Later in the evening my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "My sister is number 1 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan." They are all Borat.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Black People

My boyfriend and I were visiting my grandma in the hospital. She didn't want any of her hospital dinner, so I was scavenging the tray. Grandma says to me in Russian that it's not a waste if she doesn't eat her hospital food because late at night, all the black people come and eat the leftovers. Then, to explain to my boyfriend who doesn't speak Russian, she turns to him and says in English, "Black people." As if that explains everything.