Sunday, November 22, 2015

Texts From Mom, Part IX

Mom: Hi Dochenka [Russian diminutive for daughter]. All night you and I were trucking the spy.

Friday, November 6, 2015


This is probably going to be my whiniest post ever.

My parents would always get me some weird knockoff gifts instead of what I wanted. I asked for a black LG Chocolate phone, I got a red one because it was cheaper. I asked for an American Doll, I got some creepy cheap-ass doll. I asked for a Barbie....99 cent store doll.

Life is so hard. #whitewhine

Monday, January 12, 2015

Texts From Mom, Part VIII

Mom: I'm listening to pitbul on pandora. Thank you so much.
Me: Hahahhah you like Pitbull?
Mom: Yea. He's very original.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Texts From Mom, Part VII

I was group texting my family about how much my grandpa wanted to tip a waiter:

Mom: So little
Brother: That's what she said
Me: Ewwwwww
Brother: Lol
Mom: Who is she?

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Double Boiler

I was making tea so I put the electric kettle on, filled with water to the max level. My mom told me to put less water in because she doesn't like to waste water, since it's really bad for your health to re-boil water. She said that she read this somewhere, and if I wanted proof I should just google it. She then went to Yahoo, and searched "is it ok to double boil the water." The first link read "Why does boiling water twice make water poisonous?" She was very triumphant...until we actually read the article. "well, if you read it it must be true. I read somewhere that people who believe everything they read have a serious mental deficit."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Liberal Piece of Shit

My uncle is extremely vocal about being extremely conservative. We were having dinner with the family, and he starts talking about how the US should atom bomb the Middle East, getting rid of every singe Muslim person. Of course, I could not just let this go. I engaged in conversation with him for a while, with his responses being generally to the tune of, "a good Muslim is a dead Muslim." He also mentioned how liberals are all assholes and are ruining the country, and for some reason called George Clooney a "liberal piece of shit." Excellent.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Emeralds Are A Girl's Best Friend

(I'm going to pretend that a year hasn't passed since I last posted)

Thanksgiving. Always a fun time in my family. I put on one of my mom's rings that has a green faux stone. The following ensues:

Mom: The green looks beautiful on you! We will have to get you emeralds when you get married!
Me: Why do I only deserve emeralds if I get married? If you think they would look so good on me I can't get them now?
Mom (backtracking): Well you don't like wearing jewelry...
Me: Yea I do...
Mom (feeling bad): Well I gave you a ring a while ago...

Moral of the story. Girls only deserve nice jewelry if they're married. Unmarried old maids, nada.