Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Liberal Piece of Shit

My uncle is extremely vocal about being extremely conservative. We were having dinner with the family, and he starts talking about how the US should atom bomb the Middle East, getting rid of every singe Muslim person. Of course, I could not just let this go. I engaged in conversation with him for a while, with his responses being generally to the tune of, "a good Muslim is a dead Muslim." He also mentioned how liberals are all assholes and are ruining the country, and for some reason called George Clooney a "liberal piece of shit." Excellent.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Emeralds Are A Girl's Best Friend

(I'm going to pretend that a year hasn't passed)

Thanksgiving. Always a fun time in my family. I put on one of my mom's rings that has a green faux stone. The following ensues:

Mom: The green looks beautiful on you! We will have to get you emeralds when you get married!
Me: Why do I only deserve emeralds if I get married? If you think they would look so good on me I can't get them now?
Mom (backtracking): Well you don't like wearing jewelry...
Me: Yea I do...
Mom (feeling bad): Well I gave you a ring a while ago...

Moral of the story. Girls only deserve nice jewelry if they're married. Unmarried old maids, nada.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Screwing

Over the Fourth of July weekend my parents invited my boyfriend's parents to their house for dinner. The parents had met before but had never spent too much time together; his parents are a bit more conservative and traditional than mine. He says that they are repressed. Anyway, my mom was telling them that when I was younger I was more of a tomboy, always wanting to be in the garage with my dad and brother instead of in the kitchen with her. Mom: "She is very good at screwing! Very good with her hands!" And we all just start cracking up and his parents just don't know what to do and sat awkwardly as me, my boyfriend, brother, his brother, sisterinlaw, and eventually mom and dad are dying laughing.

Later in the evening my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "My sister is number 1 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan." They are all Borat.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Black People

My boyfriend and I were visiting my grandma in the hospital. She didn't want any of her hospital dinner, so I was scavenging the tray. Grandma says to me in Russian that it's not a waste if she doesn't eat her hospital food because late at night, all the black people come and eat the leftovers. Then, to explain to my boyfriend who doesn't speak Russian, she turns to him and says in English, "Black people." As if that explains everything.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

My Dad is Borat

My boyfriend and I were at my parents house and I had been doing some studying. My dad and boyfriend are talking, and my dad asks him about my studies, "Do you keep her in a cage so she studies?" to which my boyfriend replies, "Yes, and I only feed her if she gets an answer right!" My dad was thrilled!

My dad AND boyfriend are Borat.

Borat Discusses His Brother Bilo (Pardon the terrible video quality).

Saturday, March 16, 2013

You Give Them An Inch...

I was emailing my dad about our Verizon bill, and in the last email I sent, I said "I love you." To which he replies:

I love you too.
How we can measure the love?
Just joking.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Hair of the Dog

This one comes to us via my brother.

He was visiting my grandma in the hospital and one of her doctors came in to see how she was doing, if she was having any chills or feeling feverish. My brother translated this to her in Russian and she replied to my brother in Russian that she had purchased some sort of thick belt made of dog hair(??) that keeps her warm. My brother just told the doctor in English that she was fine. My grandma nodded and said to the doctor in English, "I have dog hair," while pointing to her stomach.