Unemployment Benefits

Last year I got laid off from my job. It wasn't just me, most of the company was laid off at the same time. I went to the unemployment office to file for benefits and since my grandparents live close by, I went to visit them to tell them the news. When I told grandma what happened she said "Good, I'm very glad. Maybe now you will make something of yourself."

Australia = Antarctica?

My grandma recently found out that I want to travel to Australia (thanks a lot mom). She generally gets concerned when a family member flies anywhere, so she was especially concerned about such a long flight. She called me to express her disapproval and here is our conversation:

Grandma: I hear you want to go to Australia.
Me: Yea.
Grandma: It is really cold there.
Me: Great, I love the cold.
Grandma: No you don't. There's a frost.
Me: I think it's ok there.
Grandma: No, it's really, REALLY cold!
Etc.

I'm thinking that grandma thought I wanted to travel to Antarctica. I wouldn't be surprised.

Orphanage

When I was young, maybe 7 or 8, maybe younger, my parents used to make me keep a plastic bag of old, ripped clothes and shoes in my closet. The reason for this was that if I was bad, they would make me get it out of the closet and threaten to take me to an orphanage. This would usually result in me crying my eyes out and begging forgiveness, even if I thought I had done nothing wrong, and my parents allowing me to stay home as long as I promised to behave. I didn't really do anything horrible as a kid. Maybe not wanting to wash the dishes or bugging my mom to let me go to a friend's house who she didn't like. I do remember them often saying that I was talking back and being rude to my mom. Really, how rude can a naive 7 year old who doesn't say curse words be?

One time they took it to another level. I don't even remember what I did, but they made me take the orphanage bag out and actually put me in the car and drove me around the neighborhood. I was not good with directions (being that I was 7), so I didn't realize they were just driving in circles. I thought they were taking me to the orphanage. I remember being really scared and screaming and crying hysterically until they took me back home. I'm really surprised I ended up as ok as I am.

Mother Is Always Right, Part I

I wanted to take my mom out for dinner on Mother's Day but I didn't know where to take her. In my family, a lot of politics go into deciding where to eat dinner. Mom is really picky and likes to make a martyr out of herself. If you suggest somewhere she doesn't want to go, she will still go and half-pretend to like it. Then if you ask her why she didn't tell you she didn't want to go there, she will say, "Well YOU wanted to go!" In other words, she will turn it around and make it your fault, even though you asked her where she wanted to go in the first place. This then allows her to say things like, "I always do what you want to do" or, "I do everything for you, and you are unappreciative!"

Side note: Stuff like this also happens when, for example, people are smoking near her. She will make a big show of coughing or covering her nose, but if you ask her if she wants to move, she will say no. Or if she is cold, she will make a big show of shivering or wrapping herself up in whatever she can find, but if you ask her if she wants to move she will say no.

So this time I was really determined to find out where she wanted to go for dinner. After all it was Mother's Day, so I could use that card and she would have to respond. I called her and asked where she would like to go and she responds, "I will go wherever you will be. You know that I just want to be with you." How does she manage to guilt me even when I'm doing something nice for her?!?!

Then I called my dad, the more rational of the two. I asked him where he thought mom would like to go for dinner and he responds, "You know that mama will go wherever you are." Good lord, all this nonsense just to figure out where to go for dinner! In any case, all's well that ends well and we went to a local sushi bar that both my parents like. Jeez!

April Showers Bring May Abortions

Happy Day After Mother's Day! If the title of this post offends you, most likely the rest of the post will too.

For those brave souls who are still with me, when my grandparents and even my parents were growing up in the Soviet Union, it was difficult to get any type of birth control where they lived. They were also very poor, so that didn't help. In any case, the most viable form of birth control was abortions. It wasn't a big political, religious issue like it is in the US. People just did it. And suffice it to say that I could have had many more siblings than I do now. In fact, people sometimes ask me if I was a mistake, due to the large age gap between my brother and me. I say no, I was a, "Let's keep this one!" And somehow every single Mother's Day, this wonderful topic of conversation comes up. We discuss how many everyone has had, I make some generally crude comments, everyone gets mad, and we drop the subject.

I had some really high hopes for yesterday, but for once, no dice!

Icebox

Although I generally feel distant from my brother, there are moments when I know we are inextricably linked. One such moment was at dinner some years ago. My mom said the word "icebox" but both my brother and I heard "assbox" entirely independently from each other. We both started maniacally laughing and couldn't stop giggling almost the whole dinner, but nobody else heard it that way. That was good times.

Call Obama!

About 2 years ago I was looking for an apartment and I found a really nice studio. I would be taking over the lease from someone who was leaving before it ended, and he assured me that I would get the fridge that was already in the apartment. Later that day, I had my mom, dad, and boyfriend come check it out with me, as this was the first apartment I was ever getting on my own. Everyone liked it a lot, except when the person living there now mentioned that he may be taking the fridge with him. Now, I understand him wanting to take the fridge, but at least be upfront with me right away. Anyway, my mom got upset and started bargaining with him for the fridge. Eventually he said, "I'll call my mom and talk to her. We may have another fridge that I can take." So my mom says, in an extremely exasperated tone, "Call your mother, call Obama! I don't care! Get my daughter the fridge!" Needless to say he never contacted me again and I ended up not getting that apartment.

I Voted

I think today is an appropriate day to share a story about voting. Up until the 2008 presidential election, my parents had never voted in the US. Since there were no true democratic elections in the Soviet Union, I guess they didn't trust it, but I convinced them that the 3 of us should go vote together. I read up on the issues and on the candidates and made a mostly informed decision. Who knows what my parents did to prepare. The following is what ensued on voting day:

We wait in line to get to the booths and my dad goes ahead of me. He starts looking over the voting materials and realizes he has no idea what to do, as his English isn't that great. So he turns and looks for me in line and makes a motion for me to come over. I shake my head. He makes more agitated motions for me to come over and I shake my head harder. This happens a few more times and by that point we have attracted the attention of the volunteers, but my dad comes over and tries to get me to go with him anyway. I ask the poll workers if I am allowed to help him because he cannot read and they begrudgingly allow that. Thank goodness because we were causing a scene. My dad, mom, and I vote and we leave. 

On the way home I ask him why he voted against that one proposition that would force farms to have better animal health standards (or something like that, it was a long time ago!) and he said "Because the doctors on TV told me to." I remember those ads: people wearing white lab coats talking about voting down that proposition. He didn't even know it was about animals or anything! With people like my dad running around with the ability to vote, I'm concerned for this country.