Monday, April 25, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me, Part II

The birthday plans went off without a hitch! That is, aside from my uncle and his 15 year old son both hitting on one of my friends, my 2 year old niece playing with a cigar, me having to decorate my own cake which I did with Christmas + Hanukkah + Clown (?!) decorations, my gangster cousins appearing generally gangstery and completely out of it, and my sisterinlaw almost murdering another friend because my niece mistook the friend for her mom. But in all honesty it was really fun and I'm glad that everyone could make it out. Happy birthday to me!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me, Part I

My birthday is coming up and I am having a joint family/friends party. I know, I know, that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I've had them before and they're actually a lot of fun. Everyone gets drunk and hilarity ensues. One year my grandma accidentally groped me while giving a toast. She put her hand on my shoulder and slowly during her toast, her hand dropped down to my boob. Another year, or maybe it was that same year, my dad called me a piece of meat. One time my mom's toast to me (fam is big into toasts) started something like, "We all know you are a little bit crazy." One time my cousin brought his then-girlfriend who had an obvious boob job. Throughout the evening her tube top would slip down, revealing no nipples where there definitely should have been some. Can't wait to see what this year has in store!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Shark Attack

My parents are fairly new to the internet and they love to forward videos, pictures, jokes, chain letters, you name it, that their similarly computer illiterate friends send to them. They are about at the level that I was in middle school in terms of internet usage.

My dad recently sent my brother and me a really long video of a woman Scuba diving with sharks. My brother responded (a rare occurrence!), suggesting that we take him Scuba diving with us next time, as we are certified. A couple days later I get an email from my brother stating "U explain it to him" and when I scrolled down to see the email history, I saw that my dad had written to my brother "Do you think that sharks will like my meat?"

Your guess is as good as mine.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Runaway Bride

My favorite story about my mom is about the day that my parents were signing their marriage papers. My mom, dad, and dad's best friend were going to city hall (or wherever you get your marriage papers signed in Ukraine). Before heading out, my mom asked my dad if he was sure the office would be open. In true dad fashion, he responded, "Why wouldn't it be open?" So the 3 of them headed towards the office. Side note: When I am told this story, it's snowing and they have to walk 5 miles. Anyway, when they get there, it becomes apparent that the office was indeed closed.

At this point, think to yourself what a normal woman would do. Maybe reprimand her fiance for not checking the office hours, or laugh and decide to come back another day.

My mom took off running. Just started running. My dad and his friend had to chase her down and take her back home. Who does that?! Her explanation is that if he didn't care enough to check the hours, she didn't care to marry him. This type of logic is what makes my mom totally nuts.

Brother

My brother and I used to be very close when I was young. He is a lot older than me, but we were a united front against our crazy parents. However, since he got married and had kids I feel as though we are drifting apart. I guess we just have different interests now that we are in different life stages? It totally sucks because he has aligned himself more with my parents, and I feel more and more like the black sheep of the family.

Dad

My dad is a saint for withstanding my mom and me for so many years. Another man would have been out of there long ago, but he takes it all in stride. As he puts it, "where else would I go?" Dad has an extremely tough outer shell, something that I definitely did not inherit. He also loves to joke around, but nobody ever gets it.

Mom

My mom and I are similar in the same way that all Jewish women are similar. We are crazy. We cry for no reason, guilt our loved ones, worry all the time about nothing, and we constantly form conspiracy theories about the world. The only difference is that I am aware of it. My mom either doesn't realize how nutty she can be or she ignores it, which caused a lot of tension between us growing up. Now that I am an adult (for all intents and purposes), we get along much better but the road wasn't easy and is not over yet.

Welcome

This is not a food blog. It's a blog about my family. I love them to death but whenever I describe them, I say they're "totally nuts."

I was born in Ukraine and moved to the US when I was very young. Growing up with strict foreign parents has been really tough. I know that they do what they do out of love and they really try their best, but that doesn't make it any easier. I deal with it by trying to find the comedy in what they say and do, so let's begin.