A Quickie

Dad: How do you spell testicles?

Epiphany

My whole life, I have felt that my brother always takes my parents' side in arguments and never, ever supports me. Very recently, I realized that I do the same exact thing to him. For me, being a hypocrite is a fate worse than death, so this realization did not sit well. I decided that the first step I must take is to tell my mom, since she is the one to whom I most often complain about my brother. So I told her the whole deal, and she says, "Oh, so you don't want to be on my side?!" I explain that this isn't about her, to which she responds, "Nothing is ever about me!" and storms off.

Mother Is Always Right, Part II

I apologize for all the mom-related posts recently. I've been around her a lot, and she's been driving me totally nuts.

A couple days ago, she was urging me to text my brother about something. I told her there was no point because he wasn't going to respond anyway. She insisted that he definitely would, and after a few more prods, I finally texted him. 30 minutes later:

Mom: Did he respond?

Me: No, I told you he wouldn't.

Mom: Well he's very busy, what do you expect?!

And this is how my mom always manages to be right, even when she's wrong.

Duct Tape Fixes Everything

When I was very young, still living in the Soviet, my parents realized that I had a crooked smile. For some reason one side of my bottom lip came down a lot farther than the other. It wasn't horribly disfiguring or anything like that, but you could see it when I smiled really wide.

So naturally their solution was to pull and tape the other side of my mouth back against my face, so that it stretched and evened out. Needless to say, I still have a crooked smile.

Texts From Mom, Part I

Mom: Just left the movie theatre.
Me: What movie?
Mom: Young adult .
Me: Did u like?
Mom: Dark. It didn't feel good inside me.
Me: What???? The movie??
Mom: Yes . Why are u surprised?
Me: When you say "inside me" it means in your vagina
Mom: Oh no! Hahaha. Thanks for the info.