Screwing

Over the Fourth of July weekend my parents invited my boyfriend's parents to their house for dinner. The parents had met before but had never spent too much time together; his parents are a bit more conservative and traditional than mine. He says that they are repressed. Anyway, my mom was telling them that when I was younger I was more of a tomboy, always wanting to be in the garage with my dad and brother instead of in the kitchen with her. Mom: "She is very good at screwing! Very good with her hands!" And we all just start cracking up and his parents just don't know what to do and sat awkwardly as me, my boyfriend, brother, his brother, sisterinlaw, and eventually mom and dad are dying laughing.

Later in the evening my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "My sister is number 1 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan." They are all Borat.

Black People

My boyfriend and I were visiting my grandma in the hospital. She didn't want any of her hospital dinner, so I was scavenging the tray. Grandma says to me in Russian that it's not a waste if she doesn't eat her hospital food because late at night, all the black people come and eat the leftovers. Then, to explain to my boyfriend who doesn't speak Russian, she turns to him and says in English, "Black people." As if that explains everything.

My Dad is Borat

My boyfriend and I were at my parents house and I had been doing some studying. My dad and boyfriend are talking, and my dad asks him about my studies, "Do you keep her in a cage so she studies?" to which my boyfriend replies, "Yes, and I only feed her if she gets an answer right!" My dad was thrilled!

My dad AND boyfriend are Borat.

Borat Discusses His Brother Bilo (Pardon the terrible video quality).

You Give Them An Inch...

I was emailing my dad about our Verizon bill, and in the last email I sent, I said "I love you." To which he replies:

I love you too.
How we can measure the love?
Just joking.

Hair of the Dog

This one comes to us via my brother.

He was visiting my grandma in the hospital and one of her doctors came in to see how she was doing, if she was having any chills or feeling feverish. My brother translated this to her in Russian and she replied to my brother in Russian that she had purchased some sort of thick belt made of dog hair(??) that keeps her warm. My brother just told the doctor in English that she was fine. My grandma nodded and said to the doctor in English, "I have dog hair," while pointing to her stomach.

It's All About the Benjamins

My grandma is in the hospital. She was diagnosed with leukemia, which is terrible and very sad news. I've been spending a lot of time with her, so many of the next posts will be about her. In no way does me poking fun at her diminish how I feel about her diagnosis.

We were talking about how nobody in my family is a doctor, and I was reminding my grandma that my sisterinlaw is a pharmacist, which is as close to a doctor as anyone in my family is going to get. My grandma was saying that my brother and I should have both gone into medicine. (My brother is head of IT and I am currently a bank teller.) I explained that neither of us was interested in that, and my boyfriend kindly added that we are both happy, so why should it matter. To which grandma responds with something like, "Well, you won't be millionaires, but I guess at least you'll have jobs."

Texts From Mom, Part VI

Mom: K. Love. Have a day full of magic!!:)))

Who taught her that? Did she come up with it on her own?? Double chin emoticon??