Seattle...

Y'all. I'm moving to Seattle! I'm also telling my mom today. On my grandma's death anniversary. At the cemetery.

Will keep you posted on the outcome.

Babydoll

I also wanted a babydoll dress in elementary school. All the cool kids had them. I begged my mom for one (I guess I did ask for specific clothing...), and she said that it's too American, so she got me something similar to this instead. In orange. With shoulder pads.

It's a Ver-sayce

Remember when PacSun t-shirts were all the rage? I wanted one so I could be cool like all my American friends. We went clothes shopping, and I never asked my parents for specific clothing, but I asked my mom if I could get a t-shirt. She said that I couldn't because it was too expensive (~$20) and they were out of money. The next store we went into was the Versace store and my mom bought a $1,000 dress. I will never forgive her for that.

No Means No

The things I've wanted to do that my family said no to:

1. "I want to learn how to DJ"

No, you're not black.

2. "I want to play hockey"

No, girls don't play hockey.

3. "I want to tap dance"

No, you're not a child or a black man.

I see a pattern...

Wine Trumps Reason

My parents are voting for Donald Trump because he says things other candidates are too scared to say.

Also, my dad slapped my butt and my mom said it's ok because he had a glass of wine.

Texts From Mom, Part IX

Mom: Hi Dochenka [Russian diminutive for daughter]. All night you and I were trucking the spy.

Texts From Mom, Part VIII

Mom: I'm listening to pitbul on pandora. Thank you so much.
Me: Hahahhah you like Pitbull?
Mom: Yea. He's very original.

Texts From Mom, Part VII

I was group texting my family about how much my grandpa wanted to tip a waiter:

Mom: So little
Brother: That's what she said
Me: Ewwwwww
Brother: Lol
Mom: Who is she?

Double Boiler

I was making tea so I put the electric kettle on, filled with water to the max level. My mom told me to put less water in because she doesn't like to waste water, since it's really bad for your health to re-boil water. She said that she read this somewhere, and if I wanted proof I should just google it. She then went to Yahoo, and searched "is it ok to double boil the water." The first link read "Why does boiling water twice make water poisonous?" She was very triumphant...until we actually read the article. "well, if you read it it must be true. I read somewhere that people who believe everything they read have a serious mental deficit."

Emeralds Are A Girl's Best Friend

(I'm going to pretend that a year hasn't passed since I last posted)

Thanksgiving. Always a fun time in my family. I put on one of my mom's rings that has a green faux stone. The following ensues:

Mom: The green looks beautiful on you! We will have to get you emeralds when you get married!
Me: Why do I only deserve emeralds if I get married? If you think they would look so good on me I can't get them now?
Mom (backtracking): Well you don't like wearing jewelry...
Me: Yea I do...
Mom (feeling bad): Well I gave you a ring a while ago...

Moral of the story. Girls only deserve nice jewelry if they're married. Unmarried old maids, nada.

Screwing

Over the Fourth of July weekend my parents invited my boyfriend's parents to their house for dinner. The parents had met before but had never spent too much time together; his parents are a bit more conservative and traditional than mine. He says that they are repressed. Anyway, my mom was telling them that when I was younger I was more of a tomboy, always wanting to be in the garage with my dad and brother instead of in the kitchen with her. Mom: "She is very good at screwing! Very good with her hands!" And we all just start cracking up and his parents just don't know what to do and sat awkwardly as me, my boyfriend, brother, his brother, sisterinlaw, and eventually mom and dad are dying laughing.

Later in the evening my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "My sister is number 1 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan." They are all Borat.

Texts From Mom, Part VI

Mom: K. Love. Have a day full of magic!!:)))

Who taught her that? Did she come up with it on her own?? Double chin emoticon??

Texts From Mom, Part V

Mom: B

Mac & Cheese

I was telling my mom how stressed out I have been recently, about money, about work, and even about small things like having to take my car to the shop and neglecting grocery shopping. I told her that I was getting frequent heartburn from my stress.

Later in the conversation, she asked me if I had dinner, and I told her I had mac & cheese. To which she replies, "well of course you've been having heartburn, eating like that!"

Freeck Out

My mom emailed me: Pop said that that I'm a freeck. I was torching mi phone
yesterday. Thank god we have a connection.

I forwarded it to my brother, asking what it meant and received this response: no idea - neither of them can spell

Texts From Mom, Part IV

Mom: Good night. See u with pop.will coock something for everyone .
Me: Cock = penis
Mom: Oy. Fu. Cook.
Me: Fu = fuck you

Guilty!

-1-
My mom is really excited because they are opening a Home Goods near her house. She asked if I would come to the opening with her and I said maybe, I would have to see my schedule. Later in the day she starts a sentence, "When you come for the opening..."

-2-
Mom is registering for an art class at the local community college.

Mom: If you have some free time tonight and want to, you can help me register.
Me: Ok...
Mom: Do you want to?
Me: No.

Of course she got very offended.

-3-
My sisterinlaw's brother just got engaged, which means that my niece and nephew will soon have another aunt. I know it's unreasonable, but it makes me very nervous that they might love her more than they love me. My mom was telling me that they ask about me all the time and are always really excited to see me, so I shouldn't be worried. I really appreciated her saying that and it made me feel a lot better. That is, until:

Mom: But you should probably try to visit them more often.
Me: Could you please not give me a guilt trip?
Mom: That is not the meaning of guilt trip!
Me: Yes, it's exactly what a guilt trip is.
Mom: I'm going to ask someone else, I don't trust you any more.

Michelle Obama

My mom sees some random black woman on TV. "Michelle Obama!"

Walk the Line

My mom drove us to dinner one night, and she parked diagonally in the parking spot. I told her that she should move her car, so she did, with this being the result:

She was still in the driver's seat so I tried to get her to re-park again.

Me: Maybe you should try again, you're on the line.
Mom: I'm in the line!
Me: No you're not.
Mom: Yes I am.

Then she walked around and saw her parking job.

Mom: You are my constant critic!!!

Then she spent the rest of the walk to the restaurant pointing out everyone else's crappy parking job.

Cats

My boyfriend and I were at my parents' house and we were telling them about his cat. My mom looks very, very serious and says, "I had a cat when I was young. She was very disorganized."