I Fuck Everyone!

My boss was really stressing me out and making me feel stupid, even though I felt that I was doing a pretty good job. I remember calling my mom for moral support. This is how the conversation went:

Mom: You need to find your power.
Me: My power?
Mom: Yes. Put on high heels and makeup. You will feel powerful.
Me: That makes sense.
Mom: Yes, and then you walk in and say "I fuck everyone!"
Me: ????

Happy Thanksgiving!

In true family form, here are some things that happened today:

1. My 1st cousin hitting on me
2. My mom: "I forgot to put jewelry on! I'm like a virgin!"
3. My aunt's mom telling me that if I get pregnant and don't want it, I just get an abortion
4. My mom telling me about when my dad had jaundice and they fed him lice from a gypsy's head

Happy Thanksgiving, from my crazy family to yours.

Gay BF(F)

When I was stage managing a play a few years back, I started dating an actor who was much older than I was. Of course, I didn't want to tell my parents about that, so I told them that some gay guy was driving me home from rehearsals (I didn't have a car at the time). Well, my parents eventually came to see the show, and they wanted to know exactly which gay guy was driving their daughter home every night. So I pointed him out, while he was talking to a female friend who was much older than he was. My mom looks at the scene for a second, turns to me and says, "Maybe not so gay...?" I realize this is probably a lot funnier with her accent, and with the knowledge that a lot of people actually thought he was gay.

If Only...

One of my good friends was getting married and I was telling my grandma about the dress I was going to wear to the wedding. The women in my family get very excited about verbal explanations of clothing. The dress was just barely above the knee, but my grandma deemed it slutty and said I should wear a floor-length dress to a wedding.

I wore my "slutty" dress and later showed my grandma photos of me at the wedding. Grandma told me that I looked very beautiful, but if only I did the things they wanted me to everything would be ok. Those things would be: get a high-paying job, a rich husband, a huge house, a nice car, and a couple kids.

Grandma: 2, me: 0

Not Cool

I recently took a trip to Seattle and accepted some drinks from men at a bar. I told my mom and this is what she texted me:

please don't be upset. I don't think it is cool to have a drink with peopole u dont know. the offenderes look just like u and me and this r your words. u don't know what they cN put in your drink. promise u r not upset with me?

Snake Attack

My dad sent me, my mom, and my brother an email as follows:

Subject: FW: Beware of the Boneyard: 5 ft rattler
Body: Attached is the photo of the snake in the Bone yard
Attachment: A photo of a snake

All I knew was that there was a snake, and that it was in the boneyard. Apparently, the boneyard is the nickname for one of the yards on the premises of my dad's office. And one of his co-workers found a snake there that morning.

No context? No problem!

Blini Deals

It's been a long time since my last post, and for that I apologize. The good news is that I have a lot of stories on the way! Here's one:

I was at my parents' house and my mom needed to pick up some blini. They're like crepes, and my family mostly fills them with caviar. My mom has a few Russian stores that make food for her, so I assumed we were going to one of them. Imagine my surprise when we pull over in front of some apartment, and an old Russian woman comes out in a muumuu (yes, that's the correct spelling, and yes, I did have to look it up) holding a plastic grocery bag. My mom rolls down the passenger window and the woman leans over me, hands my mom the bag, and my mom hands her some cash.

Ladies and gentlemen, I had just participated in an illicit blini deal.