Heisenberg

My boyfriend calls my grandpa Heisenberg, like from Breaking Bad. He's bald and generally kind of badass.

Case in point: My grandma recently told me that my grandpa hitchhikes to the liquor store to get vodka. He's 86! Badass.

MLK

This is another really horrible, horrible racist story. You have been warned.

I remember I was in high school and I wasn't going to school because it was Martin Luther King Day. My dad didn't know and asked me why I wasn't getting ready for school so I told him. To which he responds, "Oh, if more black people died, you would have more days off!"

Horrible.

Texts From Mom, Part III

Mom: Your bum was in the microwave all night. Can I throw it away?

Sisterinlaw

I recently dug this story up from the archives of gchat. Enjoy!

ok so yesterday was my brothers birthday
i told him i was gonna try and make a cheesecake
but if it didnt work out, i was also gonna make a red velvet cake
outa the box
3:06 PM so 2 cakes
we show up
[sisterinlaw] bought a cake
3 cakes
even though she knew i was gonna make 2 cakes
sweet
then at dinner
she started makign a toast
and she took a long pause and we thought she was done
so we started eating
and she got all amd
mad
and wouldnt talk to us
3:07 PM she moved her plate to the other side of the table so she wouldnt have to sit near us
good times
(side note-grandma was wearing hanna montana hair clips)
then i was talking to my brother
about NASA and mars and stuff
and i asked him if hed want to go to space
hypothetically
and he goes
my wife wouldnt let me
.....
and then sisterinlaw attacks
3:08 PM "he doesnt want to do dangerous things because he has children!!!"
and i said
"im not the nasa commissioner, im not inviting him to space"
"im just trying to make conversation"
then my dad called her a bitch
behind her back
and showed his middle finger

Mom's Nuts

Technically, this should be titled Mother Is Always Right, Part III, but I realized that there are not enough Roman Numerals for how many times my mom does this type of thing.
-----
I was driving myself and my mom to the bank. I was driving aggressively, as I am wont to do.

Mom: Relax, slow down!
Me: You know, when you tell someone who's aggravated to calm down, it's not really helpful.
Mom: What is so bad in your life that you need help?!?!

My mom will say anything, even if it makes completely no sense, just to be right. It is at the same time overwhelmingly infuriating and completely confusing. How do I respond to that? She's fucking nuts.

Dancing With The Stars

My mom was getting really riled up while watching DWTS, yelling at the TV and dancing around. That is, until I told her that she needed a horse tranquilizer. She laughed a little, but was obviously offended. So of course I decided to push her a little. She got up and was strutting to the kitchen and I mimed shooting her in the butt with a tranq gun. She mimed falling over. It was hysterical.

Cuz

I have 2 cousins in Israel with whom I don't keep in contact. In the US I have 2 cousins who are half-brothers of each other, a step-cousin (half-brother to one of the previous cousins), and my mom's cousin who is the same age as one of the half-brother cousins, so I call him my cousin. Doesn't matter. Let's say I have 3 blood cousins who live close by. One of them is 16 and has a pretty serious case of Tourette Syndrome. He's the coolest kid and I love him to death, but the family marginalizes him due to his illness. My grandparents, who are also his grandparents, hate him and yell at him all the time. His own parents don't know what to do with him and until too recently were in denial about the whole thing. They took him to Russian voodoo women instead of a licensed medical and/or psychiatric doctor. The other cousins taunt him for his weight, his interests, anything and everything. I try my best to keep in contact with him and support him.

My other cousin looks Mexican but is, of course, a Russian Jew. Mexicans have asked me if he's Mexican. He's one of Tourette cousin's half-brothers and has a shaved head, giant cz earrings, pants hanging down under his butt, high all the time. He's in his late 30s and a couple years back discovered that he has a daughter. She's an adorable half Russian Jew, half Mexican 6 year old. He tries to take care of her, he really really does, but her mom raised her superbly for the first 4 years of her life and maybe it's better that way.

The third cousin (mom's cousin) was the one who brought his then-stripper girlfriend to my birthday party a few years back. He's also in his late 30s or early 40s and he and Mexican-looking cousin used to go out clubbing and partying all the time until the latter started taking care of his daughter. We just found out that he is getting married to a 25 year old (I'm 26) who he knocked up. Best of luck to them! I can't wait for the wedding...