Walk the Line

My mom drove us to dinner one night, and she parked diagonally in the parking spot. I told her that she should move her car, so she did, with this being the result:

She was still in the driver's seat so I tried to get her to re-park again.

Me: Maybe you should try again, you're on the line.
Mom: I'm in the line!
Me: No you're not.
Mom: Yes I am.

Then she walked around and saw her parking job.

Mom: You are my constant critic!!!

Then she spent the rest of the walk to the restaurant pointing out everyone else's crappy parking job.

Cats

My boyfriend and I were at my parents' house and we were telling them about his cat. My mom looks very, very serious and says, "I had a cat when I was young. She was very disorganized."

Threats are no Joke

A co-worker was really aggravating my dad and wouldn't leave his office. My dad said to him, "If you don't leave, I will put something heavy on your head!"

I Heard it on the Radio

Mom: I was thinking recently that maybe I was too protective and overbearing to you and your brother when you were younger. But then I heard a radio show that said if you don't ask about your kids and want to know where they are going and what you are doing, you're a bad mother. So I was just being a good mother!

Cancer is Catching

I used to work with cancer patients and I was telling my grandma about my job. She was very concerned and asked me if I wear a mask when I am working with the patients.

Kings and Queens

My dad was telling my boyfriend about royalty in Russia.

Dad: She was the Emperator.
Boyfriend: What?
Dad: She was the King of Russia.

My Grandma is Really Mean

I was at my grandparents' house getting ready to go out. I had taken a nap earlier so I was in the bathroom fixing my hair, and putting a bit of makeup on. I come out of the bathroom and sit down at the table with my grandma.

Grandma: You're going to do your hair, right...?
Me: I just did...
Grandma: And you should really put makeup on.
Me: ...
Grandma: Oh! You have a belly, don't you!