Family Circus

So my cousin (mom's cousin) got married! The wedding was pretty fun. My boyfriend got hit on by not 1 but 2 drunk women. Her side of the family, not mine. The best (worst?) part was the speech my cousin's sister gave. She was officiating the wedding and as an officiant, she said a few words about the couple. Here is part of her speech. I tried to get it as close to the original as I could remember.

When my brother told me he was getting married I was very excited. I asked him what kind of wedding he wanted and he said traditional. I thought to myself, traditional? Let's look at the facts. A 40 year old Jew marrying a pregnant 26 year old Catholic girl in a Russian nightclub? We're one juggling midget away from a circus act!

I mean, she's right, but given the context it was just shocking and kind of sad.

Gorges

I went to visit my parents for dinner and my dad sent me an email the next day, saying "Thank you for coming yesterday, we enjoy it. You was so beautiful and gorges like a girl with style." But in all honesty, it was sweet and made me happy.

Texts From Mom, Part IV

Mom: Good night. See u with pop.will coock something for everyone .
Me: Cock = penis
Mom: Oy. Fu. Cook.
Me: Fu = fuck you

Guilty!

-1-
My mom is really excited because they are opening a Home Goods near her house. She asked if I would come to the opening with her and I said maybe, I would have to see my schedule. Later in the day she starts a sentence, "When you come for the opening..."

-2-
Mom is registering for an art class at the local community college.

Mom: If you have some free time tonight and want to, you can help me register.
Me: Ok...
Mom: Do you want to?
Me: No.

Of course she got very offended.

-3-
My sisterinlaw's brother just got engaged, which means that my niece and nephew will soon have another aunt. I know it's unreasonable, but it makes me very nervous that they might love her more than they love me. My mom was telling me that they ask about me all the time and are always really excited to see me, so I shouldn't be worried. I really appreciated her saying that and it made me feel a lot better. That is, until:

Mom: But you should probably try to visit them more often.
Me: Could you please not give me a guilt trip?
Mom: That is not the meaning of guilt trip!
Me: Yes, it's exactly what a guilt trip is.
Mom: I'm going to ask someone else, I don't trust you any more.

Michelle Obama

My mom sees some random black woman on TV. "Michelle Obama!"

Walk the Line

My mom drove us to dinner one night, and she parked diagonally in the parking spot. I told her that she should move her car, so she did, with this being the result:

She was still in the driver's seat so I tried to get her to re-park again.

Me: Maybe you should try again, you're on the line.
Mom: I'm in the line!
Me: No you're not.
Mom: Yes I am.

Then she walked around and saw her parking job.

Mom: You are my constant critic!!!

Then she spent the rest of the walk to the restaurant pointing out everyone else's crappy parking job.

Cats

My boyfriend and I were at my parents' house and we were telling them about his cat. My mom looks very, very serious and says, "I had a cat when I was young. She was very disorganized."