Texts From Mom, Part V

Mom: B

Mac & Cheese

I was telling my mom how stressed out I have been recently, about money, about work, and even about small things like having to take my car to the shop and neglecting grocery shopping. I told her that I was getting frequent heartburn from my stress.

Later in the conversation, she asked me if I had dinner, and I told her I had mac & cheese. To which she replies, "well of course you've been having heartburn, eating like that!"

Freeck Out

My mom emailed me: Pop said that that I'm a freeck. I was torching mi phone
yesterday. Thank god we have a connection.

I forwarded it to my brother, asking what it meant and received this response: no idea - neither of them can spell

Election Time

Another election year, another national travesty. I don't mean the possibility that Mitt Romney will win, I mean the way in which my family votes.

Last night my parents and I were looking through the propositions and discussing them. They mentioned that my grandparents will be voting too. I asked who they will be voting for, to which I received a vehement "Romney of course!" Why Romney? Well, Obama is trying to make the country socialist, which is what we escaped from in the USSR. I asked them if they felt like the country was socialist at this point, given that Obama has already been in office for 4 years. No, but it's a little closer. I asked if they felt that if Obama were given 4 more years, would our country be socialist, just like the USSR, at the end of his second term? No, but closer. And which socialist policies are you concerned about? Healthcare. I'm a healthy 26 year old woman, paying nearly $200 a month for individual health insurance. Do you think that's all right? No. How was healthcare in the USSR? It was good, it was free. Exactly.

Also, my dad was voting for people based on how Jewish their names sounded.

-Update-
My brother isn't voting because "voting doesn't matter in California since the Electoral College just does whatever they want to anyway."

Family Circus

So my cousin (mom's cousin) got married! The wedding was pretty fun. My boyfriend got hit on by not 1 but 2 drunk women. Her side of the family, not mine. The best (worst?) part was the speech my cousin's sister gave. She was officiating the wedding and as an officiant, she said a few words about the couple. Here is part of her speech. I tried to get it as close to the original as I could remember.

When my brother told me he was getting married I was very excited. I asked him what kind of wedding he wanted and he said traditional. I thought to myself, traditional? Let's look at the facts. A 40 year old Jew marrying a pregnant 26 year old Catholic girl in a Russian nightclub? We're one juggling midget away from a circus act!

I mean, she's right, but given the context it was just shocking and kind of sad.

Gorges

I went to visit my parents for dinner and my dad sent me an email the next day, saying "Thank you for coming yesterday, we enjoy it. You was so beautiful and gorges like a girl with style." But in all honesty, it was sweet and made me happy.

Texts From Mom, Part IV

Mom: Good night. See u with pop.will coock something for everyone .
Me: Cock = penis
Mom: Oy. Fu. Cook.
Me: Fu = fuck you