Seattle...

Y'all. I'm moving to Seattle! I'm also telling my mom today. On my grandma's death anniversary. At the cemetery.

Will keep you posted on the outcome.

Babydoll

I also wanted a babydoll dress in elementary school. All the cool kids had them. I begged my mom for one (I guess I did ask for specific clothing...), and she said that it's too American, so she got me something similar to this instead. In orange. With shoulder pads.

It's a Ver-sayce

Remember when PacSun t-shirts were all the rage? I wanted one so I could be cool like all my American friends. We went clothes shopping, and I never asked my parents for specific clothing, but I asked my mom if I could get a t-shirt. She said that I couldn't because it was too expensive (~$20) and they were out of money. The next store we went into was the Versace store and my mom bought a $1,000 dress. I will never forgive her for that.

No Means No

The things I've wanted to do that my family said no to:

1. "I want to learn how to DJ"

No, you're not black.

2. "I want to play hockey"

No, girls don't play hockey.

3. "I want to tap dance"

No, you're not a child or a black man.

I see a pattern...

Wine Trumps Reason

My parents are voting for Donald Trump because he says things other candidates are too scared to say.

Also, my dad slapped my butt and my mom said it's ok because he had a glass of wine.

Texts From Mom, Part IX

Mom: Hi Dochenka [Russian diminutive for daughter]. All night you and I were trucking the spy.

Bootleg

This is probably going to be my whiniest post ever.

My parents would always get me some weird knockoff gifts instead of what I wanted. I asked for a black LG Chocolate phone, I got a red one because it was cheaper. I asked for an American Doll, I got some creepy cheap-ass doll. I asked for a Barbie....99 cent store doll.

Life is so hard. #whitewhine

Texts From Mom, Part VIII

Mom: I'm listening to pitbul on pandora. Thank you so much.
Me: Hahahhah you like Pitbull?
Mom: Yea. He's very original.

Texts From Mom, Part VII

I was group texting my family about how much my grandpa wanted to tip a waiter:

Mom: So little
Brother: That's what she said
Me: Ewwwwww
Brother: Lol
Mom: Who is she?

Double Boiler

I was making tea so I put the electric kettle on, filled with water to the max level. My mom told me to put less water in because she doesn't like to waste water, since it's really bad for your health to re-boil water. She said that she read this somewhere, and if I wanted proof I should just google it. She then went to Yahoo, and searched "is it ok to double boil the water." The first link read "Why does boiling water twice make water poisonous?" She was very triumphant...until we actually read the article. "well, if you read it it must be true. I read somewhere that people who believe everything they read have a serious mental deficit."

Liberal Piece of Shit

My uncle is extremely vocal about being extremely conservative. We were having dinner with the family, and he starts talking about how the US should atom bomb the Middle East, getting rid of every singe Muslim person. Of course, I could not just let this go. I engaged in conversation with him for a while, with his responses being generally to the tune of, "a good Muslim is a dead Muslim." He also mentioned how liberals are all assholes and are ruining the country, and for some reason called George Clooney a "liberal piece of shit." Excellent.

Emeralds Are A Girl's Best Friend

(I'm going to pretend that a year hasn't passed since I last posted)

Thanksgiving. Always a fun time in my family. I put on one of my mom's rings that has a green faux stone. The following ensues:

Mom: The green looks beautiful on you! We will have to get you emeralds when you get married!
Me: Why do I only deserve emeralds if I get married? If you think they would look so good on me I can't get them now?
Mom (backtracking): Well you don't like wearing jewelry...
Me: Yea I do...
Mom (feeling bad): Well I gave you a ring a while ago...

Moral of the story. Girls only deserve nice jewelry if they're married. Unmarried old maids, nada.

Screwing

Over the Fourth of July weekend my parents invited my boyfriend's parents to their house for dinner. The parents had met before but had never spent too much time together; his parents are a bit more conservative and traditional than mine. He says that they are repressed. Anyway, my mom was telling them that when I was younger I was more of a tomboy, always wanting to be in the garage with my dad and brother instead of in the kitchen with her. Mom: "She is very good at screwing! Very good with her hands!" And we all just start cracking up and his parents just don't know what to do and sat awkwardly as me, my boyfriend, brother, his brother, sisterinlaw, and eventually mom and dad are dying laughing.

Later in the evening my brother comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "My sister is number 1 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan." They are all Borat.

Black People

My boyfriend and I were visiting my grandma in the hospital. She didn't want any of her hospital dinner, so I was scavenging the tray. Grandma says to me in Russian that it's not a waste if she doesn't eat her hospital food because late at night, all the black people come and eat the leftovers. Then, to explain to my boyfriend who doesn't speak Russian, she turns to him and says in English, "Black people." As if that explains everything.

My Dad is Borat

My boyfriend and I were at my parents house and I had been doing some studying. My dad and boyfriend are talking, and my dad asks him about my studies, "Do you keep her in a cage so she studies?" to which my boyfriend replies, "Yes, and I only feed her if she gets an answer right!" My dad was thrilled!

My dad AND boyfriend are Borat.

Borat Discusses His Brother Bilo (Pardon the terrible video quality).

You Give Them An Inch...

I was emailing my dad about our Verizon bill, and in the last email I sent, I said "I love you." To which he replies:

I love you too.
How we can measure the love?
Just joking.

Hair of the Dog

This one comes to us via my brother.

He was visiting my grandma in the hospital and one of her doctors came in to see how she was doing, if she was having any chills or feeling feverish. My brother translated this to her in Russian and she replied to my brother in Russian that she had purchased some sort of thick belt made of dog hair(??) that keeps her warm. My brother just told the doctor in English that she was fine. My grandma nodded and said to the doctor in English, "I have dog hair," while pointing to her stomach.

It's All About the Benjamins

My grandma is in the hospital. She was diagnosed with leukemia, which is terrible and very sad news. I've been spending a lot of time with her, so many of the next posts will be about her. In no way does me poking fun at her diminish how I feel about her diagnosis.

We were talking about how nobody in my family is a doctor, and I was reminding my grandma that my sisterinlaw is a pharmacist, which is as close to a doctor as anyone in my family is going to get. My grandma was saying that my brother and I should have both gone into medicine. (My brother is head of IT and I am currently a bank teller.) I explained that neither of us was interested in that, and my boyfriend kindly added that we are both happy, so why should it matter. To which grandma responds with something like, "Well, you won't be millionaires, but I guess at least you'll have jobs."

Texts From Mom, Part VI

Mom: K. Love. Have a day full of magic!!:)))

Who taught her that? Did she come up with it on her own?? Double chin emoticon??

Texts From Mom, Part V

Mom: B