Have a Bitchin' Hanukkah

On the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, brother and sisterinlaw, niece and nephew, and I were going to have dinner together. My nephew (5), mom (61), and I (25) were waiting for everyone else so we played a game in which my mom and I name words, and my nephew has to say a word that it rhymes with. We started off with easy words like "ball" and "cat" and progressed until I offered "kitchen." My nephew thinks for a bit, then looks to my mom for help. My mom thinks for a bit and then with a big smile screams "BITCHIN'!" obviously delighted that she had come up with a rhyming word.

Happy Hanukkah!

Kegel Exercises

I was trying to check my email on my parents' computer and this is what their browser was open to:

http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/kegel-exercises#2

Where's Cathy?

My dad was recently in the hospital. Don't worry, he's going to be ok. But one of his first days there, his catheter was really bothering him and burning. My mom and I were in the room, and we suggested that he call the nurses' station using the call button on that remote they give you. So my dad pushes the button to tell the nurse that his catheter is burning:

Nurse: May I help you?
Dad: Catheter is burns.
Nurse: Excuse me?
Dad: Catheter is burns!
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, I can't understand you.
Dad: BURNS! CATH!
Nurse: Oh, you're looking for Cathy?

Mom and I couldn't help it, we started cracking up and had to intercept to tell the nurse what was going on. We kept trying to tell him we were laughing with him, but he was still upset. Poor dad!

A Lesson in Jew Guilt

So today I got a hell of a lesson in Jew Guilt, as the title of this post suggests. My mom, dad, and I were talking about people who aren't self aware, who don't realize how what they do and say comes off to others around them. I was saying that I can be a pain sometimes, but at least I'm aware that I can be a pain. My mom was saying that my grandma (her mom) does not. We all agreed. Then I said that mom is partially aware. This is where the trouble began.

Mom: What do you mean? I know when I'm wrong!
Me: You may be aware of it, but I never know that. For example, you never apologize when you're wrong.
Mom: Who do I have to apologize to? What do I have to apologize for? For taking care of you, for buying you things, for cleaning the house, for making food?
Me: No, but there are times when you are wrong, yes?
Mom: Yes, there are times when I am wrong.
Me: And I would just appreciate it if you admitted that you were wrong during those times.
Mom: Why do I have to apologize to you?! Ok, I'm sorry for the next 100 years of wrong things I do! But were you right when you yelled at me last week? Did you apologize?
Me: We aren't talking about me now, we're talking about you. Why are you turning it on me?
Mom: Well, I want to talk about you!
Me: This is ridiculous, why can't we just have a normal conversation? You said that you do things that are wrong sometimes, and I'm just asking for you to apologize when you realize that you did or said something wrong.
Mom: I'm sorry that I'm your mother!

--more going around in circles--

Me: Oh my god, you're crazy, this is nuts, I can't talk to you, it's like talking to a 2 year old!!!
Mom: You're nuts! You're like talking to a 2 year old!

And I stormed out. Granted I probably shouldn't have yelled at her and left, but it really is impossible to talk to her sometimes. And the worst part is, doesn't she realize that in this conversation, she was doing the EXACT thing that the conversation was about?!?!

I Fuck Everyone!

My boss was really stressing me out and making me feel stupid, even though I felt that I was doing a pretty good job. I remember calling my mom for moral support. This is how the conversation went:

Mom: You need to find your power.
Me: My power?
Mom: Yes. Put on high heels and makeup. You will feel powerful.
Me: That makes sense.
Mom: Yes, and then you walk in and say "I fuck everyone!"
Me: ????

Happy Thanksgiving!

In true family form, here are some things that happened today:

1. My 1st cousin hitting on me
2. My mom: "I forgot to put jewelry on! I'm like a virgin!"
3. My aunt's mom telling me that if I get pregnant and don't want it, I just get an abortion
4. My mom telling me about when my dad had jaundice and they fed him lice from a gypsy's head

Happy Thanksgiving, from my crazy family to yours.

Gay BF(F)

When I was stage managing a play a few years back, I started dating an actor who was much older than I was. Of course, I didn't want to tell my parents about that, so I told them that some gay guy was driving me home from rehearsals (I didn't have a car at the time). Well, my parents eventually came to see the show, and they wanted to know exactly which gay guy was driving their daughter home every night. So I pointed him out, while he was talking to a female friend who was much older than he was. My mom looks at the scene for a second, turns to me and says, "Maybe not so gay...?" I realize this is probably a lot funnier with her accent, and with the knowledge that a lot of people actually thought he was gay.

If Only...

One of my good friends was getting married and I was telling my grandma about the dress I was going to wear to the wedding. The women in my family get very excited about verbal explanations of clothing. The dress was just barely above the knee, but my grandma deemed it slutty and said I should wear a floor-length dress to a wedding.

I wore my "slutty" dress and later showed my grandma photos of me at the wedding. Grandma told me that I looked very beautiful, but if only I did the things they wanted me to everything would be ok. Those things would be: get a high-paying job, a rich husband, a huge house, a nice car, and a couple kids.

Grandma: 2, me: 0

Not Cool

I recently took a trip to Seattle and accepted some drinks from men at a bar. I told my mom and this is what she texted me:

please don't be upset. I don't think it is cool to have a drink with peopole u dont know. the offenderes look just like u and me and this r your words. u don't know what they cN put in your drink. promise u r not upset with me?

Snake Attack

My dad sent me, my mom, and my brother an email as follows:

Subject: FW: Beware of the Boneyard: 5 ft rattler
Body: Attached is the photo of the snake in the Bone yard
Attachment: A photo of a snake

All I knew was that there was a snake, and that it was in the boneyard. Apparently, the boneyard is the nickname for one of the yards on the premises of my dad's office. And one of his co-workers found a snake there that morning.

No context? No problem!

Blini Deals

It's been a long time since my last post, and for that I apologize. The good news is that I have a lot of stories on the way! Here's one:

I was at my parents' house and my mom needed to pick up some blini. They're like crepes, and my family mostly fills them with caviar. My mom has a few Russian stores that make food for her, so I assumed we were going to one of them. Imagine my surprise when we pull over in front of some apartment, and an old Russian woman comes out in a muumuu (yes, that's the correct spelling, and yes, I did have to look it up) holding a plastic grocery bag. My mom rolls down the passenger window and the woman leans over me, hands my mom the bag, and my mom hands her some cash.

Ladies and gentlemen, I had just participated in an illicit blini deal.

Unemployment Benefits

Last year I got laid off from my job. It wasn't just me, most of the company was laid off at the same time. I went to the unemployment office to file for benefits and since my grandparents live close by, I went to visit them to tell them the news. When I told grandma what happened she said "Good, I'm very glad. Maybe now you will make something of yourself."

Australia = Antarctica?

My grandma recently found out that I want to travel to Australia (thanks a lot mom). She generally gets concerned when a family member flies anywhere, so she was especially concerned about such a long flight. She called me to express her disapproval and here is our conversation:

Grandma: I hear you want to go to Australia.
Me: Yea.
Grandma: It is really cold there.
Me: Great, I love the cold.
Grandma: No you don't. There's a frost.
Me: I think it's ok there.
Grandma: No, it's really, REALLY cold!
Etc.

I'm thinking that grandma thought I wanted to travel to Antarctica. I wouldn't be surprised.

Orphanage

When I was young, maybe 7 or 8, maybe younger, my parents used to make me keep a plastic bag of old, ripped clothes and shoes in my closet. The reason for this was that if I was bad, they would make me get it out of the closet and threaten to take me to an orphanage. This would usually result in me crying my eyes out and begging forgiveness, even if I thought I had done nothing wrong, and my parents allowing me to stay home as long as I promised to behave. I didn't really do anything horrible as a kid. Maybe not wanting to wash the dishes or bugging my mom to let me go to a friend's house who she didn't like. I do remember them often saying that I was talking back and being rude to my mom. Really, how rude can a naive 7 year old who doesn't say curse words be?

One time they took it to another level. I don't even remember what I did, but they made me take the orphanage bag out and actually put me in the car and drove me around the neighborhood. I was not good with directions (being that I was 7), so I didn't realize they were just driving in circles. I thought they were taking me to the orphanage. I remember being really scared and screaming and crying hysterically until they took me back home. I'm really surprised I ended up as ok as I am.

Mother Is Always Right, Part I

I wanted to take my mom out for dinner on Mother's Day but I didn't know where to take her. In my family, a lot of politics go into deciding where to eat dinner. Mom is really picky and likes to make a martyr out of herself. If you suggest somewhere she doesn't want to go, she will still go and half-pretend to like it. Then if you ask her why she didn't tell you she didn't want to go there, she will say, "Well YOU wanted to go!" In other words, she will turn it around and make it your fault, even though you asked her where she wanted to go in the first place. This then allows her to say things like, "I always do what you want to do" or, "I do everything for you, and you are unappreciative!"

Side note: Stuff like this also happens when, for example, people are smoking near her. She will make a big show of coughing or covering her nose, but if you ask her if she wants to move, she will say no. Or if she is cold, she will make a big show of shivering or wrapping herself up in whatever she can find, but if you ask her if she wants to move she will say no.

So this time I was really determined to find out where she wanted to go for dinner. After all it was Mother's Day, so I could use that card and she would have to respond. I called her and asked where she would like to go and she responds, "I will go wherever you will be. You know that I just want to be with you." How does she manage to guilt me even when I'm doing something nice for her?!?!

Then I called my dad, the more rational of the two. I asked him where he thought mom would like to go for dinner and he responds, "You know that mama will go wherever you are." Good lord, all this nonsense just to figure out where to go for dinner! In any case, all's well that ends well and we went to a local sushi bar that both my parents like. Jeez!

April Showers Bring May Abortions

Happy Day After Mother's Day! If the title of this post offends you, most likely the rest of the post will too.

For those brave souls who are still with me, when my grandparents and even my parents were growing up in the Soviet Union, it was difficult to get any type of birth control where they lived. They were also very poor, so that didn't help. In any case, the most viable form of birth control was abortions. It wasn't a big political, religious issue like it is in the US. People just did it. And suffice it to say that I could have had many more siblings than I do now. In fact, people sometimes ask me if I was a mistake, due to the large age gap between my brother and me. I say no, I was a, "Let's keep this one!" And somehow every single Mother's Day, this wonderful topic of conversation comes up. We discuss how many everyone has had, I make some generally crude comments, everyone gets mad, and we drop the subject.

I had some really high hopes for yesterday, but for once, no dice!

Icebox

Although I generally feel distant from my brother, there are moments when I know we are inextricably linked. One such moment was at dinner some years ago. My mom said the word "icebox" but both my brother and I heard "assbox" entirely independently from each other. We both started maniacally laughing and couldn't stop giggling almost the whole dinner, but nobody else heard it that way. That was good times.

Call Obama!

About 2 years ago I was looking for an apartment and I found a really nice studio. I would be taking over the lease from someone who was leaving before it ended, and he assured me that I would get the fridge that was already in the apartment. Later that day, I had my mom, dad, and boyfriend come check it out with me, as this was the first apartment I was ever getting on my own. Everyone liked it a lot, except when the person living there now mentioned that he may be taking the fridge with him. Now, I understand him wanting to take the fridge, but at least be upfront with me right away. Anyway, my mom got upset and started bargaining with him for the fridge. Eventually he said, "I'll call my mom and talk to her. We may have another fridge that I can take." So my mom says, in an extremely exasperated tone, "Call your mother, call Obama! I don't care! Get my daughter the fridge!" Needless to say he never contacted me again and I ended up not getting that apartment.

I Voted

I think today is an appropriate day to share a story about voting. Up until the 2008 presidential election, my parents had never voted in the US. Since there were no true democratic elections in the Soviet Union, I guess they didn't trust it, but I convinced them that the 3 of us should go vote together. I read up on the issues and on the candidates and made a mostly informed decision. Who knows what my parents did to prepare. The following is what ensued on voting day:

We wait in line to get to the booths and my dad goes ahead of me. He starts looking over the voting materials and realizes he has no idea what to do, as his English isn't that great. So he turns and looks for me in line and makes a motion for me to come over. I shake my head. He makes more agitated motions for me to come over and I shake my head harder. This happens a few more times and by that point we have attracted the attention of the volunteers, but my dad comes over and tries to get me to go with him anyway. I ask the poll workers if I am allowed to help him because he cannot read and they begrudgingly allow that. Thank goodness because we were causing a scene. My dad, mom, and I vote and we leave. 

On the way home I ask him why he voted against that one proposition that would force farms to have better animal health standards (or something like that, it was a long time ago!) and he said "Because the doctors on TV told me to." I remember those ads: people wearing white lab coats talking about voting down that proposition. He didn't even know it was about animals or anything! With people like my dad running around with the ability to vote, I'm concerned for this country.

Happy Birthday To Me, Part II

The birthday plans went off without a hitch! That is, aside from my uncle and his 15 year old son both hitting on one of my friends, my 2 year old niece playing with a cigar, me having to decorate my own cake which I did with Christmas + Hanukkah + Clown (?!) decorations, my gangster cousins appearing generally gangstery and completely out of it, and my sisterinlaw almost murdering another friend because my niece mistook the friend for her mom. But in all honesty it was really fun and I'm glad that everyone could make it out. Happy birthday to me!

Happy Birthday To Me, Part I

My birthday is coming up and I am having a joint family/friends party. I know, I know, that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I've had them before and they're actually a lot of fun. Everyone gets drunk and hilarity ensues. One year my grandma accidentally groped me while giving a toast. She put her hand on my shoulder and slowly during her toast, her hand dropped down to my boob. Another year, or maybe it was that same year, my dad called me a piece of meat. One time my mom's toast to me (fam is big into toasts) started something like, "We all know you are a little bit crazy." One time my cousin brought his then-girlfriend who had an obvious boob job. Throughout the evening her tube top would slip down, revealing no nipples where there definitely should have been some. Can't wait to see what this year has in store!

Shark Attack

My parents are fairly new to the internet and they love to forward videos, pictures, jokes, chain letters, you name it, that their similarly computer illiterate friends send to them. They are about at the level that I was in middle school in terms of internet usage.

My dad recently sent my brother and me a really long video of a woman Scuba diving with sharks. My brother responded (a rare occurrence!), suggesting that we take him Scuba diving with us next time, as we are certified. A couple days later I get an email from my brother stating "U explain it to him" and when I scrolled down to see the email history, I saw that my dad had written to my brother "Do you think that sharks will like my meat?"

Your guess is as good as mine.

Runaway Bride

My favorite story about my mom is about the day that my parents were signing their marriage papers. My mom, dad, and dad's best friend were going to city hall (or wherever you get your marriage papers signed in Ukraine). Before heading out, my mom asked my dad if he was sure the office would be open. In true dad fashion, he responded, "Why wouldn't it be open?" So the 3 of them headed towards the office. Side note: When I am told this story, it's snowing and they have to walk 5 miles. Anyway, when they get there, it becomes apparent that the office was indeed closed.

At this point, think to yourself what a normal woman would do. Maybe reprimand her fiance for not checking the office hours, or laugh and decide to come back another day.

My mom took off running. Just started running. My dad and his friend had to chase her down and take her back home. Who does that?! Her explanation is that if he didn't care enough to check the hours, she didn't care to marry him. This type of logic is what makes my mom totally nuts.

Brother

My brother and I used to be very close when I was young. He is a lot older than me, but we were a united front against our crazy parents. However, since he got married and had kids I feel as though we are drifting apart. I guess we just have different interests now that we are in different life stages? It totally sucks because he has aligned himself more with my parents, and I feel more and more like the black sheep of the family.

Dad

My dad is a saint for withstanding my mom and me for so many years. Another man would have been out of there long ago, but he takes it all in stride. As he puts it, "where else would I go?" Dad has an extremely tough outer shell, something that I definitely did not inherit. He also loves to joke around, but nobody ever gets it.

Mom

My mom and I are similar in the same way that all Jewish women are similar. We are crazy. We cry for no reason, guilt our loved ones, worry all the time about nothing, and we constantly form conspiracy theories about the world. The only difference is that I am aware of it. My mom either doesn't realize how nutty she can be or she ignores it, which caused a lot of tension between us growing up. Now that I am an adult (for all intents and purposes), we get along much better but the road wasn't easy and is not over yet.

Welcome

This is not a food blog. It's a blog about my family. I love them to death but whenever I describe them, I say they're "totally nuts."

I was born in Ukraine and moved to the US when I was very young. Growing up with strict foreign parents has been really tough. I know that they do what they do out of love and they really try their best, but that doesn't make it any easier. I deal with it by trying to find the comedy in what they say and do, so let's begin.