Texts From Mom, Part V

Mom: B

Mac & Cheese

I was telling my mom how stressed out I have been recently, about money, about work, and even about small things like having to take my car to the shop and neglecting grocery shopping. I told her that I was getting frequent heartburn from my stress.

Later in the conversation, she asked me if I had dinner, and I told her I had mac & cheese. To which she replies, "well of course you've been having heartburn, eating like that!"

Freeck Out

My mom emailed me: Pop said that that I'm a freeck. I was torching mi phone
yesterday. Thank god we have a connection.

I forwarded it to my brother, asking what it meant and received this response: no idea - neither of them can spell

Election Time

Another election year, another national travesty. I don't mean the possibility that Mitt Romney will win, I mean the way in which my family votes.

Last night my parents and I were looking through the propositions and discussing them. They mentioned that my grandparents will be voting too. I asked who they will be voting for, to which I received a vehement "Romney of course!" Why Romney? Well, Obama is trying to make the country socialist, which is what we escaped from in the USSR. I asked them if they felt like the country was socialist at this point, given that Obama has already been in office for 4 years. No, but it's a little closer. I asked if they felt that if Obama were given 4 more years, would our country be socialist, just like the USSR, at the end of his second term? No, but closer. And which socialist policies are you concerned about? Healthcare. I'm a healthy 26 year old woman, paying nearly $200 a month for individual health insurance. Do you think that's all right? No. How was healthcare in the USSR? It was good, it was free. Exactly.

Also, my dad was voting for people based on how Jewish their names sounded.

-Update-
My brother isn't voting because "voting doesn't matter in California since the Electoral College just does whatever they want to anyway."

Family Circus

So my cousin (mom's cousin) got married! The wedding was pretty fun. My boyfriend got hit on by not 1 but 2 drunk women. Her side of the family, not mine. The best (worst?) part was the speech my cousin's sister gave. She was officiating the wedding and as an officiant, she said a few words about the couple. Here is part of her speech. I tried to get it as close to the original as I could remember.

When my brother told me he was getting married I was very excited. I asked him what kind of wedding he wanted and he said traditional. I thought to myself, traditional? Let's look at the facts. A 40 year old Jew marrying a pregnant 26 year old Catholic girl in a Russian nightclub? We're one juggling midget away from a circus act!

I mean, she's right, but given the context it was just shocking and kind of sad.

Gorges

I went to visit my parents for dinner and my dad sent me an email the next day, saying "Thank you for coming yesterday, we enjoy it. You was so beautiful and gorges like a girl with style." But in all honesty, it was sweet and made me happy.

Texts From Mom, Part IV

Mom: Good night. See u with pop.will coock something for everyone .
Me: Cock = penis
Mom: Oy. Fu. Cook.
Me: Fu = fuck you

Guilty!

-1-
My mom is really excited because they are opening a Home Goods near her house. She asked if I would come to the opening with her and I said maybe, I would have to see my schedule. Later in the day she starts a sentence, "When you come for the opening..."

-2-
Mom is registering for an art class at the local community college.

Mom: If you have some free time tonight and want to, you can help me register.
Me: Ok...
Mom: Do you want to?
Me: No.

Of course she got very offended.

-3-
My sisterinlaw's brother just got engaged, which means that my niece and nephew will soon have another aunt. I know it's unreasonable, but it makes me very nervous that they might love her more than they love me. My mom was telling me that they ask about me all the time and are always really excited to see me, so I shouldn't be worried. I really appreciated her saying that and it made me feel a lot better. That is, until:

Mom: But you should probably try to visit them more often.
Me: Could you please not give me a guilt trip?
Mom: That is not the meaning of guilt trip!
Me: Yes, it's exactly what a guilt trip is.
Mom: I'm going to ask someone else, I don't trust you any more.

Michelle Obama

My mom sees some random black woman on TV. "Michelle Obama!"

Walk the Line

My mom drove us to dinner one night, and she parked diagonally in the parking spot. I told her that she should move her car, so she did, with this being the result:

She was still in the driver's seat so I tried to get her to re-park again.

Me: Maybe you should try again, you're on the line.
Mom: I'm in the line!
Me: No you're not.
Mom: Yes I am.

Then she walked around and saw her parking job.

Mom: You are my constant critic!!!

Then she spent the rest of the walk to the restaurant pointing out everyone else's crappy parking job.

Cats

My boyfriend and I were at my parents' house and we were telling them about his cat. My mom looks very, very serious and says, "I had a cat when I was young. She was very disorganized."

Threats are no Joke

A co-worker was really aggravating my dad and wouldn't leave his office. My dad said to him, "If you don't leave, I will put something heavy on your head!"

I Heard it on the Radio

Mom: I was thinking recently that maybe I was too protective and overbearing to you and your brother when you were younger. But then I heard a radio show that said if you don't ask about your kids and want to know where they are going and what you are doing, you're a bad mother. So I was just being a good mother!

Cancer is Catching

I used to work with cancer patients and I was telling my grandma about my job. She was very concerned and asked me if I wear a mask when I am working with the patients.

Kings and Queens

My dad was telling my boyfriend about royalty in Russia.

Dad: She was the Emperator.
Boyfriend: What?
Dad: She was the King of Russia.

My Grandma is Really Mean

I was at my grandparents' house getting ready to go out. I had taken a nap earlier so I was in the bathroom fixing my hair, and putting a bit of makeup on. I come out of the bathroom and sit down at the table with my grandma.

Grandma: You're going to do your hair, right...?
Me: I just did...
Grandma: And you should really put makeup on.
Me: ...
Grandma: Oh! You have a belly, don't you!

Heisenberg

My boyfriend calls my grandpa Heisenberg, like from Breaking Bad. He's bald and generally kind of badass.

Case in point: My grandma recently told me that my grandpa hitchhikes to the liquor store to get vodka. He's 86! Badass.

MLK

This is another really horrible, horrible racist story. You have been warned.

I remember I was in high school and I wasn't going to school because it was Martin Luther King Day. My dad didn't know and asked me why I wasn't getting ready for school so I told him. To which he responds, "Oh, if more black people died, you would have more days off!"

Horrible.

Texts From Mom, Part III

Mom: Your bum was in the microwave all night. Can I throw it away?

Sisterinlaw

I recently dug this story up from the archives of gchat. Enjoy!

ok so yesterday was my brothers birthday
i told him i was gonna try and make a cheesecake
but if it didnt work out, i was also gonna make a red velvet cake
outa the box
3:06 PM so 2 cakes
we show up
[sisterinlaw] bought a cake
3 cakes
even though she knew i was gonna make 2 cakes
sweet
then at dinner
she started makign a toast
and she took a long pause and we thought she was done
so we started eating
and she got all amd
mad
and wouldnt talk to us
3:07 PM she moved her plate to the other side of the table so she wouldnt have to sit near us
good times
(side note-grandma was wearing hanna montana hair clips)
then i was talking to my brother
about NASA and mars and stuff
and i asked him if hed want to go to space
hypothetically
and he goes
my wife wouldnt let me
.....
and then sisterinlaw attacks
3:08 PM "he doesnt want to do dangerous things because he has children!!!"
and i said
"im not the nasa commissioner, im not inviting him to space"
"im just trying to make conversation"
then my dad called her a bitch
behind her back
and showed his middle finger

Mom's Nuts

Technically, this should be titled Mother Is Always Right, Part III, but I realized that there are not enough Roman Numerals for how many times my mom does this type of thing.
-----
I was driving myself and my mom to the bank. I was driving aggressively, as I am wont to do.

Mom: Relax, slow down!
Me: You know, when you tell someone who's aggravated to calm down, it's not really helpful.
Mom: What is so bad in your life that you need help?!?!

My mom will say anything, even if it makes completely no sense, just to be right. It is at the same time overwhelmingly infuriating and completely confusing. How do I respond to that? She's fucking nuts.

Dancing With The Stars

My mom was getting really riled up while watching DWTS, yelling at the TV and dancing around. That is, until I told her that she needed a horse tranquilizer. She laughed a little, but was obviously offended. So of course I decided to push her a little. She got up and was strutting to the kitchen and I mimed shooting her in the butt with a tranq gun. She mimed falling over. It was hysterical.

Cuz

I have 2 cousins in Israel with whom I don't keep in contact. In the US I have 2 cousins who are half-brothers of each other, a step-cousin (half-brother to one of the previous cousins), and my mom's cousin who is the same age as one of the half-brother cousins, so I call him my cousin. Doesn't matter. Let's say I have 3 blood cousins who live close by. One of them is 16 and has a pretty serious case of Tourette Syndrome. He's the coolest kid and I love him to death, but the family marginalizes him due to his illness. My grandparents, who are also his grandparents, hate him and yell at him all the time. His own parents don't know what to do with him and until too recently were in denial about the whole thing. They took him to Russian voodoo women instead of a licensed medical and/or psychiatric doctor. The other cousins taunt him for his weight, his interests, anything and everything. I try my best to keep in contact with him and support him.

My other cousin looks Mexican but is, of course, a Russian Jew. Mexicans have asked me if he's Mexican. He's one of Tourette cousin's half-brothers and has a shaved head, giant cz earrings, pants hanging down under his butt, high all the time. He's in his late 30s and a couple years back discovered that he has a daughter. She's an adorable half Russian Jew, half Mexican 6 year old. He tries to take care of her, he really really does, but her mom raised her superbly for the first 4 years of her life and maybe it's better that way.

The third cousin (mom's cousin) was the one who brought his then-stripper girlfriend to my birthday party a few years back. He's also in his late 30s or early 40s and he and Mexican-looking cousin used to go out clubbing and partying all the time until the latter started taking care of his daughter. We just found out that he is getting married to a 25 year old (I'm 26) who he knocked up. Best of luck to them! I can't wait for the wedding...

Chicken in a Pot

Apologies for the wall of text.

One rainy day my parents and I decided to go to a deli for dinner. Apparently all the Jews in our area had decided the same thing because it was packed. We gave the hostess our name and sat by the door to wait. We were looking over the menu hungrily when a man came in with his service dog. At first I didn't see the dog and when it started sniffing the menu I was holding, it startled me. My mom in Russian: "Disgusting! People bringing their dogs into a restaurant!" Good thing that at least she said it in Russian. I explained to her that it was a service dog and she settled down. We finally got seated and it was obvious that the restaurant was under-staffed. When we didn't get pickles within the first 3 minutes of sitting down, my dad angrily called the poor waitress over and demanded, "Where are our pickles?!" The waitress brought the pickles but neither I nor my mom wanted any. Dad: "Then why did I get pickles?!" We were starving by this point, so we ordered an appetizer and then my dad and I ordered this thing called Chicken in a Pot. I remember it costing about $14 and the description said something about white meat chicken in a potato stew with chicken noodle soup. This didn't seem like an insane price or an outrageous description, so we each ordered one. The waitress hesitated, "Are you sure...?" Dad and I confidently nodded. Apparently, Chicken in a Pot consists of a WHOLE CHICKEN in a pot with about 4 potatoes, AND a giant bowl of chicken noodle soup. The waitress couldn't even put all our food on our table, so we were spilling over onto the adjacent table. This caught the attention of everyone in our dining area, and one old Jewish woman yelled out "Send it to Haiti!" (This was pretty soon after the 2010 Haiti earthquake). Dad and I tried our best to eat as much as we could but we didn't even get through half of it. We asked for to-go containers, but the restaurant didn't have ones big enough. We had to rip apart the chicken, and dole our food out into quart sized containers. We had about 2 plastic bags full of to-go containers. My mom and I could barely stop laughing the whole time. It was a thoroughly embarrassing but extremely hilarious evening.

Texts From Mom, Part II

Mom: Pick up the phone will talk on face

Americans are Stupid

Happy 1 year blogoversary to me! Happy birthday, Adolf Hitler! Happy National Smoke Out Day!

I was telling my parents about a really stupid thing one of my now ex-coworkers did.

Dad: It's because she's American.
Me: Maybe it's just because she's stupid?
Dad: No, all Americans are stupid.

Asians are Smart

My brother and sisterinlaw want to buy a new house in a ritzier area because the schools there are better. My parents were suggesting that they buy a house near them, an area that's nice too and happens to have a lot of Korean people living there.

Brother: I want to associate with white people. I don't want my kids competing with Asians.

It's About Time

My parents are constantly on me about being too nice, not standing up for myself, not doing things the easy/slightly illegal way. I was telling my mom about something I did at work that was a tiny bit surreptitious.

Mom: It's about time!

Bombs Over the Middle East

I initially didn't want to post this because it's so offensive, but I figured if you ready my post about abortions and are still with me, this would give you a really good understanding of what I'm up against. I have begun to realize recently that my brother is not, as I previously thought, closer to me in general life belief and understanding, but much closer to my parents. I feel like this somehow got more pronounced after he had kids. I remember one time my mom, dad, and I were having dinner with him at his house. Sisterinlaw was at a work dinner or something. We were talking about terrorism, and my brother said something like, "All Muslims should die. All Muslims want to kill all Jews so we should kill them first" My brother is generally a smart, nice man so I figured he was just blurting things out, but when confronted he would backpedal. I tried reasoning with him that it can't be the case that all Muslims are hateful and want Jews to die, and sure there are a handful of Muslims who probably think that, but there are crazy Jews out there too, but he wasn't having any of it. I think the conversation ended with him saying "We should bomb them all" and me walking out of the room.

Are You Jewish?

I was talking to my parents about the new guy I'm dating, who happens not to be Jewish. We had been dating for several months and he even met my parents a couple times, so I thought it was completely ridiculous when my mom asked me if he knows that I'm Jewish, the implication being that if he knew, he probably wouldn't be dating me. Of course he does! Why would I date someone for MONTHS and let him meet my parents, and not tell him I'm Jewish for fear that he would dump me? Then when I had convinced my parents that he indeed knows I'm Jewish and doesn't have a problem with it, my dad tells me to be careful because in 5 years, he will be calling me a derogatory word for Jew.

Tickled Pink

My nephew has slight feminine tendencies. He's 5 and likes wearing nail polish, dressing up in feather boas and high heels, and his favorite color is pink. He, my niece, and my mom were in my room and I was handing out glow bracelets for them to play with. I asked my nephew what color bracelet he wanted, and of course he says "pink!" My mom: "That's a weird color..." I gave her a death stare and the whole rest of the time she kept commenting on what a great color pink is, that my nephew picked the best color bracelet, etc, etc.

Shit My Mom Says

So I really love the Shit Girls Say meme. I found one in Russian entitled Shit Russian Grandmas Say. It's 9 minutes of wondrously true hilarity. Of course I sent it to my mom and she also loved it. When I talked to her on the phone she couldn't stop talking about that video "Russian Babushkas* Speak Shit."

*2: an elderly Russian woman (www.merriam-webster.com)

If It's Not White, It's Not Right

I'm not racist. But my family is.

My mom saw an old picture of my niece, where she had really short, curly curly hair. "She looks like a little negro!"

A Quickie

Dad: How do you spell testicles?

Epiphany

My whole life, I have felt that my brother always takes my parents' side in arguments and never, ever supports me. Very recently, I realized that I do the same exact thing to him. For me, being a hypocrite is a fate worse than death, so this realization did not sit well. I decided that the first step I must take is to tell my mom, since she is the one to whom I most often complain about my brother. So I told her the whole deal, and she says, "Oh, so you don't want to be on my side?!" I explain that this isn't about her, to which she responds, "Nothing is ever about me!" and storms off.

Mother Is Always Right, Part II

I apologize for all the mom-related posts recently. I've been around her a lot, and she's been driving me totally nuts.

A couple days ago, she was urging me to text my brother about something. I told her there was no point because he wasn't going to respond anyway. She insisted that he definitely would, and after a few more prods, I finally texted him. 30 minutes later:

Mom: Did he respond?

Me: No, I told you he wouldn't.

Mom: Well he's very busy, what do you expect?!

And this is how my mom always manages to be right, even when she's wrong.

Duct Tape Fixes Everything

When I was very young, still living in the Soviet, my parents realized that I had a crooked smile. For some reason one side of my bottom lip came down a lot farther than the other. It wasn't horribly disfiguring or anything like that, but you could see it when I smiled really wide.

So naturally their solution was to pull and tape the other side of my mouth back against my face, so that it stretched and evened out. Needless to say, I still have a crooked smile.

Texts From Mom, Part I

Mom: Just left the movie theatre.
Me: What movie?
Mom: Young adult .
Me: Did u like?
Mom: Dark. It didn't feel good inside me.
Me: What???? The movie??
Mom: Yes . Why are u surprised?
Me: When you say "inside me" it means in your vagina
Mom: Oh no! Hahaha. Thanks for the info.