Where's Cathy?

My dad was recently in the hospital. Don't worry, he's going to be ok. But one of his first days there, his catheter was really bothering him and burning. My mom and I were in the room, and we suggested that he call the nurses' station using the call button on that remote they give you. So my dad pushes the button to tell the nurse that his catheter is burning:

Nurse: May I help you?
Dad: Catheter is burns.
Nurse: Excuse me?
Dad: Catheter is burns!
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, I can't understand you.
Dad: BURNS! CATH!
Nurse: Oh, you're looking for Cathy?

Mom and I couldn't help it, we started cracking up and had to intercept to tell the nurse what was going on. We kept trying to tell him we were laughing with him, but he was still upset. Poor dad!

A Lesson in Jew Guilt

So today I got a hell of a lesson in Jew Guilt, as the title of this post suggests. My mom, dad, and I were talking about people who aren't self aware, who don't realize how what they do and say comes off to others around them. I was saying that I can be a pain sometimes, but at least I'm aware that I can be a pain. My mom was saying that my grandma (her mom) does not. We all agreed. Then I said that mom is partially aware. This is where the trouble began.

Mom: What do you mean? I know when I'm wrong!
Me: You may be aware of it, but I never know that. For example, you never apologize when you're wrong.
Mom: Who do I have to apologize to? What do I have to apologize for? For taking care of you, for buying you things, for cleaning the house, for making food?
Me: No, but there are times when you are wrong, yes?
Mom: Yes, there are times when I am wrong.
Me: And I would just appreciate it if you admitted that you were wrong during those times.
Mom: Why do I have to apologize to you?! Ok, I'm sorry for the next 100 years of wrong things I do! But were you right when you yelled at me last week? Did you apologize?
Me: We aren't talking about me now, we're talking about you. Why are you turning it on me?
Mom: Well, I want to talk about you!
Me: This is ridiculous, why can't we just have a normal conversation? You said that you do things that are wrong sometimes, and I'm just asking for you to apologize when you realize that you did or said something wrong.
Mom: I'm sorry that I'm your mother!

--more going around in circles--

Me: Oh my god, you're crazy, this is nuts, I can't talk to you, it's like talking to a 2 year old!!!
Mom: You're nuts! You're like talking to a 2 year old!

And I stormed out. Granted I probably shouldn't have yelled at her and left, but it really is impossible to talk to her sometimes. And the worst part is, doesn't she realize that in this conversation, she was doing the EXACT thing that the conversation was about?!?!

I Fuck Everyone!

My boss was really stressing me out and making me feel stupid, even though I felt that I was doing a pretty good job. I remember calling my mom for moral support. This is how the conversation went:

Mom: You need to find your power.
Me: My power?
Mom: Yes. Put on high heels and makeup. You will feel powerful.
Me: That makes sense.
Mom: Yes, and then you walk in and say "I fuck everyone!"
Me: ????

Happy Thanksgiving!

In true family form, here are some things that happened today:

1. My 1st cousin hitting on me
2. My mom: "I forgot to put jewelry on! I'm like a virgin!"
3. My aunt's mom telling me that if I get pregnant and don't want it, I just get an abortion
4. My mom telling me about when my dad had jaundice and they fed him lice from a gypsy's head

Happy Thanksgiving, from my crazy family to yours.

Gay BF(F)

When I was stage managing a play a few years back, I started dating an actor who was much older than I was. Of course, I didn't want to tell my parents about that, so I told them that some gay guy was driving me home from rehearsals (I didn't have a car at the time). Well, my parents eventually came to see the show, and they wanted to know exactly which gay guy was driving their daughter home every night. So I pointed him out, while he was talking to a female friend who was much older than he was. My mom looks at the scene for a second, turns to me and says, "Maybe not so gay...?" I realize this is probably a lot funnier with her accent, and with the knowledge that a lot of people actually thought he was gay.

If Only...

One of my good friends was getting married and I was telling my grandma about the dress I was going to wear to the wedding. The women in my family get very excited about verbal explanations of clothing. The dress was just barely above the knee, but my grandma deemed it slutty and said I should wear a floor-length dress to a wedding.

I wore my "slutty" dress and later showed my grandma photos of me at the wedding. Grandma told me that I looked very beautiful, but if only I did the things they wanted me to everything would be ok. Those things would be: get a high-paying job, a rich husband, a huge house, a nice car, and a couple kids.

Grandma: 2, me: 0

Not Cool

I recently took a trip to Seattle and accepted some drinks from men at a bar. I told my mom and this is what she texted me:

please don't be upset. I don't think it is cool to have a drink with peopole u dont know. the offenderes look just like u and me and this r your words. u don't know what they cN put in your drink. promise u r not upset with me?