If Only...

One of my good friends was getting married and I was telling my grandma about the dress I was going to wear to the wedding. The women in my family get very excited about verbal explanations of clothing. The dress was just barely above the knee, but my grandma deemed it slutty and said I should wear a floor-length dress to a wedding.

I wore my "slutty" dress and later showed my grandma photos of me at the wedding. Grandma told me that I looked very beautiful, but if only I did the things they wanted me to everything would be ok. Those things would be: get a high-paying job, a rich husband, a huge house, a nice car, and a couple kids.

Grandma: 2, me: 0

Not Cool

I recently took a trip to Seattle and accepted some drinks from men at a bar. I told my mom and this is what she texted me:

please don't be upset. I don't think it is cool to have a drink with peopole u dont know. the offenderes look just like u and me and this r your words. u don't know what they cN put in your drink. promise u r not upset with me?

Snake Attack

My dad sent me, my mom, and my brother an email as follows:

Subject: FW: Beware of the Boneyard: 5 ft rattler
Body: Attached is the photo of the snake in the Bone yard
Attachment: A photo of a snake

All I knew was that there was a snake, and that it was in the boneyard. Apparently, the boneyard is the nickname for one of the yards on the premises of my dad's office. And one of his co-workers found a snake there that morning.

No context? No problem!

Blini Deals

It's been a long time since my last post, and for that I apologize. The good news is that I have a lot of stories on the way! Here's one:

I was at my parents' house and my mom needed to pick up some blini. They're like crepes, and my family mostly fills them with caviar. My mom has a few Russian stores that make food for her, so I assumed we were going to one of them. Imagine my surprise when we pull over in front of some apartment, and an old Russian woman comes out in a muumuu (yes, that's the correct spelling, and yes, I did have to look it up) holding a plastic grocery bag. My mom rolls down the passenger window and the woman leans over me, hands my mom the bag, and my mom hands her some cash.

Ladies and gentlemen, I had just participated in an illicit blini deal.

Unemployment Benefits

Last year I got laid off from my job. It wasn't just me, most of the company was laid off at the same time. I went to the unemployment office to file for benefits and since my grandparents live close by, I went to visit them to tell them the news. When I told grandma what happened she said "Good, I'm very glad. Maybe now you will make something of yourself."

Australia = Antarctica?

My grandma recently found out that I want to travel to Australia (thanks a lot mom). She generally gets concerned when a family member flies anywhere, so she was especially concerned about such a long flight. She called me to express her disapproval and here is our conversation:

Grandma: I hear you want to go to Australia.
Me: Yea.
Grandma: It is really cold there.
Me: Great, I love the cold.
Grandma: No you don't. There's a frost.
Me: I think it's ok there.
Grandma: No, it's really, REALLY cold!
Etc.

I'm thinking that grandma thought I wanted to travel to Antarctica. I wouldn't be surprised.

Orphanage

When I was young, maybe 7 or 8, maybe younger, my parents used to make me keep a plastic bag of old, ripped clothes and shoes in my closet. The reason for this was that if I was bad, they would make me get it out of the closet and threaten to take me to an orphanage. This would usually result in me crying my eyes out and begging forgiveness, even if I thought I had done nothing wrong, and my parents allowing me to stay home as long as I promised to behave. I didn't really do anything horrible as a kid. Maybe not wanting to wash the dishes or bugging my mom to let me go to a friend's house who she didn't like. I do remember them often saying that I was talking back and being rude to my mom. Really, how rude can a naive 7 year old who doesn't say curse words be?

One time they took it to another level. I don't even remember what I did, but they made me take the orphanage bag out and actually put me in the car and drove me around the neighborhood. I was not good with directions (being that I was 7), so I didn't realize they were just driving in circles. I thought they were taking me to the orphanage. I remember being really scared and screaming and crying hysterically until they took me back home. I'm really surprised I ended up as ok as I am.